


My heart and my soul

by stargarnet



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:58:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargarnet/pseuds/stargarnet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loving two people is hard. An unsent message to someone who is loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My heart and my soul

I lay here in my bed wondering where you are, what you are doing. I know I shouldn't be. I gaze at the woman sleeping lying beside me, the woman I love and adore. I know I am lucky to have her. She loves me unreservedly and trusts me implicitly, as I do her. There is no doubt that I love her yet I have found myself in a position where I love another as well.That's right. As well.

I love two people. I love this woman and I love a man.

Have I ever loved a man? No, never like this. I have close friends to whom I can bare my soul, even things I cannot tell her. But I have never had a relationship with another man where my soul and his feel linked, interwoven, joined.

Yes, I am talking about you.

I know you will never read these late night ramblings, just as I have tried to tell you in the past with my words how I feel, with no acknowledgment that you understand or even have the faintest clue. If you do, you certainly haven't told me about it. But then again you may recognise it and feel so abhorred at the idea of my loving you that you dismiss it as just my neediness. I can tell you right now, that is not what this is. This is me trying to cope with you and her, both in my heart and expressing it the only way I know how. Words are all I have.

I value every small moment we may share, even when we disagree and you point out that I need to improve this or that, particularly when it comes to me trying to be in control of everything, being stubborn or pigheaded. Whatever.

You may ask what type of love this is? Is it brotherly? Is it romantic? Is it about sex?

Honestly, I think it goes beyond those things. Though, having said that, I curl up in bed some nights, wrapping my arms around a pillow imagining it is you and that I am resting my cheek against your back as you slumber peacefully next to me. I imagine kissing your shoulder and telling you I love you before saying goodnight. Yes, I have thought about kissing you, nuzzling your face and neck as we hold each other. I have imagined burying my face in the crook of your neck and letting the world melt into nothing around us. I have imagined you doing the same to me, wanting and receiving what I can give you, loving me and letting me love you. You have no idea how much I want to give you, or the moments I wish to share.

I want to gently push the hair from your eyes, caress your cheek with my fingertips and rest them on your lips. I would love to feel you tilt your head into my touch and place a soft kiss to my fingers, a small sigh coming from your mouth. Both of us moving together to join in a tender meeting of delicate kisses, yielding to each other yet holding firmly.

I love you. I love her. Equally, similarly and differently. What do I do about it? I accept it and continue to love you both. I expect nothing from you. How can I?

I hold on to the love I have for you. Being unable to express it hurts and the pain of it wears on me. My love for you is both a blessing and a curse. I revel in how I feel for you but suffer at the impotence of it.

I love both a woman and a man. Does she know how I feel about you? No. I doubt it will ever come to that. My love for you is a stone tied to my feet that could drag me to the depths of my own undoing.

I hold this to me as my own secret and desire, never to be disclosed.

And there it is.

You both have my heart and my soul.

I love you and I love her.

I love a man and I love a woman.

And I thank the Universe that you will never read this.


End file.
